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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.