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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.