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One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
How`d this get posted?