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Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.