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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
It’s ok if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
My pants are 75% off.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?