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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.