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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
No, Iām not funny. Iām just really mean and everyone thinks Iām joking.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.