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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
God is creative... I mean look at me??
What if the weather talks about us?
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.