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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list