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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?