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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.