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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
It`s my birthday. Iām not just a year older, Iām also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.