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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
I think...therefore, I am.....single
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
My misery likes tequila, not company.