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You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`