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Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
I wish I could veto MY bills.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?