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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.