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I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit ... And all I did was sign up.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.