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It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.