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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.