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What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
I`m saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!