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Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.