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Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent