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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.