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Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.