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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
An awkward morning beats a boring night.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.