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"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....