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I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.