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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.