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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
Life`s too short for Salad..............
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.