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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.