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That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
Tieam... problem solved
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.