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When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.