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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.