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Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
Real friends show me their boobs
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”