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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.