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Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?