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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.