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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
Mondays are middle finger approved
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.