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I propose we change the names of the upper case P and lower case p to "P standing up" and "p sitting down."
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.