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My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?