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At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.