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Roses are red Your thong is pink Cover that up You`re not as hot as you think.
Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
If something on this page offends you, please bring it to our attention so we can all laugh at you.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
POLITICS; from `poly` meaning `many and `Tics` meaning blood-sucking creatures. Just sayin`
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.