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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...