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My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...