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This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....