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Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.