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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.