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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....