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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.