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Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.