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Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.