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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.