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Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.