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I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late