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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.