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It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.