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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.