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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
I flunked anger management class.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I don`t have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.