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Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.