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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come