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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!