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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
Here’s a little bit of advice for you.. advi
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.