Daily Silly Status

I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.

Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.

I wonder what my dog has named me?

I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.

For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.

I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.

Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.

If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.

If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.

You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.

My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it

Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."

Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters

The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.

Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.