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I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
Next on SportsCenter: Where is Tim Tebow watching the Super Bowl and how will that impact the game?