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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
whoever said that there are no stupid questions was stupid
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.