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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
PLEASE - put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn`t know, they can also breathe fire. 93% of people won`t copy and paste this, because they have already been eaten by dragons. 6% of people are sitting in the shower armed with fire extinguishers and the remaining 1% are awesome and will re-post.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.