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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...