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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?