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Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?