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Coffee...Meet your Maker!
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?