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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.