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Is it hibernation time yet? Because I am 100% into that.
Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don`t want myself to know about.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually