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I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"