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There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.