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I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`