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Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
What if the weather talks about us?
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.